Adult Dating Stories, and Advice

This is the story of how I’m getting over my fear of asking someone out, and why.

Tonight I was at the local cafe with some friends and this beautiful girl walks down the stairs and our eyes meet. The eye contact lasted longer than I expected, and when she got to the bottom of the stairs she looked down, then looked back at me. At this moment I knew there was a mutual attraction between the two of us, I certainly did not expect the look back. I couldn’t help but to stare watch her walk outside the cafe. I gazed with admiration as she walked around the corner, and she actually looked back at me, it was a look of interest, not a look of “why are you staring at me”. I watched her walk to a car with her friend, and I sat there glued to my seat.

My friends egged me on to go talk to her, and I quickly ran through all these fears in my head. The fear of rejection, the fear that I would get close and she would be turned off by the fact that I have not shaved today, or that my hair is a week overdue for a haircut (note to self, always shave and have the hair down before going out in public). There were other minor fears that ran through my mind, and I kept looking to see if they had actually left yet. After some cajoling I got my head together and realizes that these irrational fears needed to be put to the side, there is nothing I can do about the hair and five o’clock yesterday shadow, but the garlic pasta that lay in front of me made a light bulb go off in my head, I needed fresh breath, fast. So I quickly chewed a piece of gum, and prepared myself for talking, no idea what to say, but I knew I had to say something.

I got ready to walk quickly to catch them still at the car, I had my briefcase and decided to put it in my car first. This was another stupid fear that popped into my head and led me off the path, I didn’t want to set a “works too much business guy” impression in her head, and this last fear would prove to ruin the opportunity. I hurried to my car, put the briefcase in the back and turned to look at the car they had gotten into, it was backing up already. I knew they had to drive by the area I was in to get out, so I hoped they would slow down and I could try to catch their attention once again. The driver was on her cell phone and appeared to be in a hurr, they just drove by. A missed golden opportunity.

Now I have a new more powerful fear, and this is how I am getting over the fear of rejection or the fear of asking someone out. The drive home made me realize that the pain from the loss of knowing, the kicking the self in the ass for not acting quicker, that pain is much worse than a rejection anyways. If I had asked her out and been turned down for any of those other fears that got in the way, then that would have been that. The situation would be over and I would move on with my life. I did not take that opportunity, and now the pain of not knowing is lasting much longer than the pain of finding out, one way or the other.

Some say pain is a top motivator, some say anger. I say the pain of a rejection is far less than the pain and anger of not asking. The pain has obviously lasted longer, as I am home now and still thinking about it. I will be kicking myself in the ass for a while over this one, but I will be instilling the idea that the pain of now knowing is worse. The next time such an opportunity presents itself, I remember to fear the longer lasting pain of not knowing more than any of those other little fears that keep me from avoiding that pain.

Please by all means, ladies and gentlemen, do not let life pass us all by because of silly little fears. Ladies if you see a guy checking you out and you are interested, don’t drive off without saying hi first. Guys, don’t be a dumb ass and let fear keep from you asking, I assure you, the pain of not asking is worse than anything, and even if you get rejected, you are still flattering someone, which is reason enough to get out that seat and say hello.

Found these tidbits in an article about body language at Web MD:

Body Language Put to the Test continued…

First dates. First dates are laden with body language signs that can help you gauge whether or not a person is interested.

“Men tend to talk a lot on first dates when they’re interested in a woman,” says Wood. “If you’re interested back, make eye contact and listen.”

If either person isn’t interested, and looks around the room and avoids eye contact, that’s a sign that a second date isn’t likely.

Other first-date tips?

“When men touch a woman on the small of her back to walk her through a door, that’s a sign of confidence and interest,” says Wood.

For women, it’s the length of their touch that measures their interest. While short, less-than-a-second touches are appropriate, touches that are too long could convey an intimate meaning.

Of course there are many other things to consider on a first, second or later date. Sometimes timing plays a crucial part of body language. Is the person you are trying to read having some other issues in life that are distracting him or her? Is the person sitting across from you being distraction simply by movement because they are facing the door or a walkway where a lot of people are going by. I generally try to avoid sitting in a position that would leave too many distracting movements in my vision if I am trying to focus on my date, but sometimes that is unavoidable.

There are many more body language clue to look for as well, we’ll go into more detail in another post.

Lovers turn to text message to say it’s over

From Reuters

LONDON (Reuters) - U R dumped — one in seven say they have suffered the same fate as Britney Spears’ ex-husband and been told it’s all over via text message or email, a survey said Friday.

While hiding behind technology might appear a cowardly way of splitting up, it contrasts with the four percent who simply drop all communication with their lovers without notice.

“Most of us send emails and texts everyday, so it comes as no surprise they are now being used to ditch someone — however distasteful this is,” said Rob Barnes from moneysupermarket.com, which carried out the survey.

“The results show one per cent of the population would use a social networking site to dump a partner. It would be interesting to see how this changes as sites such as Facebook and MySpace become more apparent in our everyday lives.”

One of the most high-profile victims of dumping by text was Kevin Federline, who reportedly received news that pop singer Spears was filing for divorce while being filmed for a television show.

The survey said 15 percent of the 2,194 people questioned had been dumped by text or email, although a quarter of those in the most tech-savvy 18 to 24-year-old age group would choose the traditional method — a letter.

(Reporting by Michael Holden)

I’ve read many articles about breaking up, suggestions for doing it “right”, suggestions for healing your broken heart, and suggesting for letting someone go the best way. Most of these articles suggest doing it person, and not breaking up with someone through email, text, or on the phone. The reality of today’s busy lifestyle is that we may not have the time to meet up in person to break up. My recent break up occurred with her being an hour and a half away, and the conversation just led to us breaking up. So it was done on the phone. Not in person.

Sure I would of liked to do it in person, I would liked to have seen some emotion in her eyes, perhaps that would of made me feel better on some level. However I can totally see doing the break up through email or text, depending on the situation of the people involved. I’ve been in relationships where we texted more than talked the whole time, given that we are both super busy and often in locations that do not allow for easy talking on the phone, a break up text today with some dating scenarios would not be unusual. Heck, if you can fight and ague through text messages, why not end it that way?

Of course texts can be saved and shown to friends, and with part of the text conversation deleted, easily taken out of context, so I am careful what I text. There is unfortunately no way to unsend a text, and the delivery is quite fast these days. Just make sure you send it to the right person, and not your entire contact list. Also be prepared for your texts to be forwarded to your partners friends, if it gets around to the entire dating circle that you ended things with a text, it could make it more difficult to find a new lover and start dating again with the reputation of being a cold insensitive texter.

Another issue with text and email messages that drives me crazy is how they can be read in different ways by differnt people, certainly by now you have had some kind of misunderstanding through a written message, I know I have gotten a few confused phone calls where people read something I sent as a joke, seriously, and it could be the other way. Without facial expressions and inflection of voice, it is easy for people to misread texts and emails.