Adult Dating Stories, and Advice

Interesting article found via the Tennessean, originally from a USA today writer, asks the question of what to call the person you are intimately involved with, when you are over 25. I agree that boyfriend and girlfriend may sound childish when you are over 30 in some circles and social situations.

Photo © R.Bauer objectifs.de

When I first read the article I disagreed completely with “lover sounds too explicit” - I think lover is a great term to use when describing the person I am sharing my sexual side with. However after some reflection, I guess lover may not be the best term to use of I was introducing someone at a charity fund raiser with associates from mutual fund companies or similar situations. So the article is right, we do need to discuss terms that should be used to describe our relations when we are dating over 30 - I think the linguistic professors interviewed are looking for a word, when in reality I think we need to come up several words.

We also need to have more communication with out partners about what they think of when they hear certain words, and how they feel about being labeled boyfriend or Beau or SO or whatever in different situations.

Some numbers in the article I found were quite unexpected, but it really does show the need for more talk about this issue (and many others for that matter, including thoughts about new types of marriage or relationship contracts - but that’s for another blog).

According to the most recent Census data, 42 percent of U.S. residents - about 92 million Americans 18 and older - are unmarried. More than 30 million live alone, making up 27 percent of all households; that’s up from 17 percent of all households in 1970.

The number of unmarried opposite-sex couples who live together has also increased to 5 million households.

“People are living longer,” Zwicky says. “People are divorcing more. One member of a couple is alone after a spouse dies. People who might not have been on the sexual marketplace years ago now find themselves in it or choosing not to go into it. Now, it’s an issue for a lot of people.”

I guess I find different terms to use in different social situations when introducing my date, but often times I just use her name, and I assume everyone will figure it out from watching how we interact with each other. Right now I am prefering the term “lover”, but that may change.

What do you call your significant other? And what would you like to be called?

I found a post on some college board talking about how more and more people are using social networks and computer technology to cheat on their lovers. Now I am of course a big fan of using technology for online dating, meeting and networking, but if you are in a relationship with someone who believes there is exclusivity, what actions cross the line?

One of my former girlfriends was constantly bombarded with emails from guys offering dates, time, money, all kinds of things, via the myspace social network. That didn’t really bother me, but I wonder what kind of replies she would make sometimes, and if there were times that she considered any of these offers? I also wonder how she could get so mad at me when I kept in email contact with some of my ex’s. Social networks, myspace, emails, instant messengers, text messages, all of this technology can make it easier to show your love, and it can also make it easier to stray. So what crosses the line?

I know this is different for different people, certainly there are couples out there that agree to break all communication with all ex lovers, I’ve been in a relationship like that. I have also been in relations where we were open about communicating with previous lovers. Certainly if you are dating someone that has kids and needs to be in contact with a baby daddy or baby momma as there are so lovingly referred to these days, there is going to be some kind of communication.

A recent talk with an ex girlfriend enlightened me on how she sees talking with other people while in a committed relationship.  She said that when talking to other people she would not say or type anything that would be embarrassing for her boyfriend to hear or read. She thought it would be inappropriate to bag on her man or flirt with someone, even if it wasn’t physical cheating. That’s pretty smart, although I wonder how many people would actually follow that line of thinking given the possibility of anonymous instant communication.

I have had girlfriends go through and read my emails and text messages. What bothered me most about that was the lack of trust first of all. Secondly, in my experience, someone who is lacking that trust and worries that you may use a method to cheat, may be the kind of person that is using that method to cheat themselves. I never worried about a girlfriend finding something bad in my messages, it has happened in some one way communications, girls that emailed wanting to pursue dating with me, girls expressing love, but I am honorable in my replies, and if someone did not respect my current relationship boundaries then I would do whatever was necessary at the time. I suppose I have been following that way of thinking for some time.

So what crosses the line for you?

Have you read your partners texts or emails without them knowing?

Have you used other technology to spy on your partner to see if they are being inappropriate with others?

So what do you do when you find yourself getting jealous in a new relationship? Perhaps there are different ways to deal with jealousy depending upon how long you’ve been dating, perhaps there are different types of jealousy depending upon the relationship and what lifestyle and work situation different people are dealing with?

When I feel the feelings of jealousy I try to look at myself and my own insecurities first. If it’s a worry about money or material things I realize that I am worried about my ability to provide a good lifestyle for my mate and jealousy can arise from my own insecurities. There are several ways to fix that one, and they all have to deal with my self.

I then wonder if the girl I am in love with will be looking for bigger and better opportunities, it seems to be a popular thing in today’s over connected high speed world where women can make many contacts with little effort. Then I wonder if I am projecting my own past issues into the current situation. Certainly just because I have been with some shady women in the past who were liars and cheats only using me as a stepping stone to get further and onto other more fruitful financial relationships, I should give this one an honest chance without that baggage. Or maybe I should be looking more critical and do have many reasons to be concerned about women in general having the opportunities surrounding them to move up in the financial ladder of relationships. There are other blog posts and articles talking about how this is more true today than ever (See Steve’s answer to the question).

If I spend every waking hour working and trying to get more and more money, perhaps I will never reach a level where I am not worried about a lover looking to others who may be more well off. Perhaps spending years earning lots of money will leave me in a position where I will worry than a lover may be looking to others who spend more time working out and getting a strong body.

Perhaps I will always worry about not being good enough, or perhaps I will always worry about women using, lieing and cheating no matter how much time I put into making money, or maintaining looks and character. Am I doomed to be a product of my past failed relationships? Will I ever be able to trust completely. Will these issues be fixed within myself? Will I ever find someone who will be there for me no matter what?

Why can’t everyone be honest, and why does this issue have to constantly mess with me? I will write more on this later.