Photo © R.Bauer objectifs.de

When I first read the article I disagreed completely with “lover sounds too explicit” - I think lover is a great term to use when describing the person I am sharing my sexual side with. However after some reflection, I guess lover may not be the best term to use of I was introducing someone at a charity fund raiser with associates from mutual fund companies or similar situations. So the article is right, we do need to discuss terms that should be used to describe our relations when we are dating over 30 - I think the linguistic professors interviewed are looking for a word, when in reality I think we need to come up several words.

We also need to have more communication with out partners about what they think of when they hear certain words, and how they feel about being labeled boyfriend or Beau or SO or whatever in different situations.

Some numbers in the article I found were quite unexpected, but it really does show the need for more talk about this issue (and many others for that matter, including thoughts about new types of marriage or relationship contracts - but that’s for another blog).

According to the most recent Census data, 42 percent of U.S. residents - about 92 million Americans 18 and older - are unmarried. More than 30 million live alone, making up 27 percent of all households; that’s up from 17 percent of all households in 1970.

The number of unmarried opposite-sex couples who live together has also increased to 5 million households.

“People are living longer,” Zwicky says. “People are divorcing more. One member of a couple is alone after a spouse dies. People who might not have been on the sexual marketplace years ago now find themselves in it or choosing not to go into it. Now, it’s an issue for a lot of people.”

I guess I find different terms to use in different social situations when introducing my date, but often times I just use her name, and I assume everyone will figure it out from watching how we interact with each other. Right now I am prefering the term “lover”, but that may change.

What do you call your significant other? And what would you like to be called?

Tonight I was at the local cafe with some friends and this beautiful girl walks down the stairs and our eyes meet. The eye contact lasted longer than I expected, and when she got to the bottom of the stairs she looked down, then looked back at me. At this moment I knew there was a mutual attraction between the two of us, I certainly did not expect the look back. I couldn’t help but to stare watch her walk outside the cafe. I gazed with admiration as she walked around the corner, and she actually looked back at me, it was a look of interest, not a look of “why are you staring at me”. I watched her walk to a car with her friend, and I sat there glued to my seat.

My friends egged me on to go talk to her, and I quickly ran through all these fears in my head. The fear of rejection, the fear that I would get close and she would be turned off by the fact that I have not shaved today, or that my hair is a week overdue for a haircut (note to self, always shave and have the hair down before going out in public). There were other minor fears that ran through my mind, and I kept looking to see if they had actually left yet. After some cajoling I got my head together and realizes that these irrational fears needed to be put to the side, there is nothing I can do about the hair and five o’clock yesterday shadow, but the garlic pasta that lay in front of me made a light bulb go off in my head, I needed fresh breath, fast. So I quickly chewed a piece of gum, and prepared myself for talking, no idea what to say, but I knew I had to say something.

I got ready to walk quickly to catch them still at the car, I had my briefcase and decided to put it in my car first. This was another stupid fear that popped into my head and led me off the path, I didn’t want to set a “works too much business guy” impression in her head, and this last fear would prove to ruin the opportunity. I hurried to my car, put the briefcase in the back and turned to look at the car they had gotten into, it was backing up already. I knew they had to drive by the area I was in to get out, so I hoped they would slow down and I could try to catch their attention once again. The driver was on her cell phone and appeared to be in a hurr, they just drove by. A missed golden opportunity.

Now I have a new more powerful fear, and this is how I am getting over the fear of rejection or the fear of asking someone out. The drive home made me realize that the pain from the loss of knowing, the kicking the self in the ass for not acting quicker, that pain is much worse than a rejection anyways. If I had asked her out and been turned down for any of those other fears that got in the way, then that would have been that. The situation would be over and I would move on with my life. I did not take that opportunity, and now the pain of not knowing is lasting much longer than the pain of finding out, one way or the other.

Some say pain is a top motivator, some say anger. I say the pain of a rejection is far less than the pain and anger of not asking. The pain has obviously lasted longer, as I am home now and still thinking about it. I will be kicking myself in the ass for a while over this one, but I will be instilling the idea that the pain of now knowing is worse. The next time such an opportunity presents itself, I remember to fear the longer lasting pain of not knowing more than any of those other little fears that keep me from avoiding that pain.

Please by all means, ladies and gentlemen, do not let life pass us all by because of silly little fears. Ladies if you see a guy checking you out and you are interested, don’t drive off without saying hi first. Guys, don’t be a dumb ass and let fear keep from you asking, I assure you, the pain of not asking is worse than anything, and even if you get rejected, you are still flattering someone, which is reason enough to get out that seat and say hello.

Body Language Put to the Test continued…

First dates. First dates are laden with body language signs that can help you gauge whether or not a person is interested.

“Men tend to talk a lot on first dates when they’re interested in a woman,” says Wood. “If you’re interested back, make eye contact and listen.”

If either person isn’t interested, and looks around the room and avoids eye contact, that’s a sign that a second date isn’t likely.

Other first-date tips?

“When men touch a woman on the small of her back to walk her through a door, that’s a sign of confidence and interest,” says Wood.

For women, it’s the length of their touch that measures their interest. While short, less-than-a-second touches are appropriate, touches that are too long could convey an intimate meaning.

Of course there are many other things to consider on a first, second or later date. Sometimes timing plays a crucial part of body language. Is the person you are trying to read having some other issues in life that are distracting him or her? Is the person sitting across from you being distraction simply by movement because they are facing the door or a walkway where a lot of people are going by. I generally try to avoid sitting in a position that would leave too many distracting movements in my vision if I am trying to focus on my date, but sometimes that is unavoidable.

There are many more body language clue to look for as well, we’ll go into more detail in another post.

From Reuters

LONDON (Reuters) - U R dumped — one in seven say they have suffered the same fate as Britney Spears’ ex-husband and been told it’s all over via text message or email, a survey said Friday.

While hiding behind technology might appear a cowardly way of splitting up, it contrasts with the four percent who simply drop all communication with their lovers without notice.

“Most of us send emails and texts everyday, so it comes as no surprise they are now being used to ditch someone — however distasteful this is,” said Rob Barnes from moneysupermarket.com, which carried out the survey.

“The results show one per cent of the population would use a social networking site to dump a partner. It would be interesting to see how this changes as sites such as Facebook and MySpace become more apparent in our everyday lives.”

One of the most high-profile victims of dumping by text was Kevin Federline, who reportedly received news that pop singer Spears was filing for divorce while being filmed for a television show.

The survey said 15 percent of the 2,194 people questioned had been dumped by text or email, although a quarter of those in the most tech-savvy 18 to 24-year-old age group would choose the traditional method — a letter.

(Reporting by Michael Holden)

I’ve read many articles about breaking up, suggestions for doing it “right”, suggestions for healing your broken heart, and suggesting for letting someone go the best way. Most of these articles suggest doing it person, and not breaking up with someone through email, text, or on the phone. The reality of today’s busy lifestyle is that we may not have the time to meet up in person to break up. My recent break up occurred with her being an hour and a half away, and the conversation just led to us breaking up. So it was done on the phone. Not in person.

Sure I would of liked to do it in person, I would liked to have seen some emotion in her eyes, perhaps that would of made me feel better on some level. However I can totally see doing the break up through email or text, depending on the situation of the people involved. I’ve been in relationships where we texted more than talked the whole time, given that we are both super busy and often in locations that do not allow for easy talking on the phone, a break up text today with some dating scenarios would not be unusual. Heck, if you can fight and ague through text messages, why not end it that way?

Of course texts can be saved and shown to friends, and with part of the text conversation deleted, easily taken out of context, so I am careful what I text. There is unfortunately no way to unsend a text, and the delivery is quite fast these days. Just make sure you send it to the right person, and not your entire contact list. Also be prepared for your texts to be forwarded to your partners friends, if it gets around to the entire dating circle that you ended things with a text, it could make it more difficult to find a new lover and start dating again with the reputation of being a cold insensitive texter.

Another issue with text and email messages that drives me crazy is how they can be read in different ways by differnt people, certainly by now you have had some kind of misunderstanding through a written message, I know I have gotten a few confused phone calls where people read something I sent as a joke, seriously, and it could be the other way. Without facial expressions and inflection of voice, it is easy for people to misread texts and emails.

When you are limited to offline meeting you can’t save as much time as you can with online dating. With online dating you have the opportunity to sort through the things you don’t want quickly. You can also communicate quickly about important issues that may take more time to get into with someone when you have take the time to go through all the motions of mundane things.

from News.com.au
ONE third of women who meet someone online have sex on the first date, and three quarters of these do not use a condom, according to a new survey.

The survey, published in the US journal Sexuality Research and Social Policy, is alarming for those who push the safe sex message - particularly as chlamydia and HIV infection rates in Australia are now at a 10-year high.

The US study, which surveyed 568 women, also found 27 per cent of respondents performed oral sex on the first date.

Felicity Percival, editor of Women’s Health magazine, said the results were worrying but not surprising.

“People do feel more comfortable with each other when they’ve had lots of conversations online, whether it’s through RSVP, Facebook, or any online social network,” she said.

One of my former girlfriends was constantly bombarded with emails from guys offering dates, time, money, all kinds of things, via the myspace social network. That didn’t really bother me, but I wonder what kind of replies she would make sometimes, and if there were times that she considered any of these offers? I also wonder how she could get so mad at me when I kept in email contact with some of my ex’s. Social networks, myspace, emails, instant messengers, text messages, all of this technology can make it easier to show your love, and it can also make it easier to stray. So what crosses the line?

I know this is different for different people, certainly there are couples out there that agree to break all communication with all ex lovers, I’ve been in a relationship like that. I have also been in relations where we were open about communicating with previous lovers. Certainly if you are dating someone that has kids and needs to be in contact with a baby daddy or baby momma as there are so lovingly referred to these days, there is going to be some kind of communication.

A recent talk with an ex girlfriend enlightened me on how she sees talking with other people while in a committed relationship.  She said that when talking to other people she would not say or type anything that would be embarrassing for her boyfriend to hear or read. She thought it would be inappropriate to bag on her man or flirt with someone, even if it wasn’t physical cheating. That’s pretty smart, although I wonder how many people would actually follow that line of thinking given the possibility of anonymous instant communication.

I have had girlfriends go through and read my emails and text messages. What bothered me most about that was the lack of trust first of all. Secondly, in my experience, someone who is lacking that trust and worries that you may use a method to cheat, may be the kind of person that is using that method to cheat themselves. I never worried about a girlfriend finding something bad in my messages, it has happened in some one way communications, girls that emailed wanting to pursue dating with me, girls expressing love, but I am honorable in my replies, and if someone did not respect my current relationship boundaries then I would do whatever was necessary at the time. I suppose I have been following that way of thinking for some time.

So what crosses the line for you?

Have you read your partners texts or emails without them knowing?

Have you used other technology to spy on your partner to see if they are being inappropriate with others?

I think this is one of the things applies to most women, single mom or not, although after reading her story I can see how it would apply to a woman who has kids and has to spend so much time making the plans. A few of my favorite quotes from the story:

A friend of mine once told me that to a single working mom, the sexiest words in the English language are “I’ll take care of it.”

 It wasn’t his touch or his kiss. No, what really did it for me was his words: He started to tell me of our plans. He’d made dinner reservations at a different type of restaurant each night so that I could experience various parts of London; he had gotten theater tickets; there was a museum show he thought I might like; there were walks he wanted to take me on. He presented all this in the sweetest, least overbearing way, and I was deeply impressed — and touched — that he had put so much thought and effort into it.

 …but what really allowed me to let go (in all ways!) was the way that Daniel had taken responsibility for all the niggling logistics I was so used to dealing with, freeing me to think of other things. Or better yet, not to think at all

 But those days (and nights) with him taught me something I was in danger of forgetting: that true romance blossoms with the ability to fully depend on another person, knowing you don’t have to do everything alone.

Now I must admit I am surprised that making plans resonated in her mind as more important than his touch, but after thinking about it, I guess it makes sense. From a man’s perspective I know it is quite stressful to make all the plans, fears of setting up something that she may not enjoy can leave you wondering if you should ask about all the things you are considering. I try to find as much about my potential date before making plans. Types of music and things she enjoys doing can make it a bit easier to scan the possibilities. After reading her story though, I imagine just having everything taken care of will make for a good date, even if all the activities are not exactly the ones she would have chosen, the act of not having to choose in itself can be a little vacation. I will remember to put aside my perfectionism when planning next time and offer a mini vacation for my next date.

I doubt there will be as much new information contained within, although I may get a copy and find out I’m wrong.

I tend to look for something I can get out of books, and the Game is one of those that some people may read like a bible or instruction manual for how to score better with strangers, I am not one of those people. I did enjoy the tips on body language, and I found the opening story heart warming, but I have yet to read the whole book. I am not a big fan of using techniques to psycho persuade girls into intimate relations. I prefer to be completely honest and genuine, because that’s what I want from a woman.

If you want to be fake and use techniques just to find an easy sack, you might as well go and find a prostitute or a stripper, because without being genuine and real you can not expect to get that in return, and even if you do, when your falsehoods are found out, that genuine real good person you have gotten will get rid of you. That is not to say the people who are looking for genuine relationships can’t learn some tips from books like the Game for better understanding of the dating game.

From reading some of the comments on Amazon, it seems that there are some tips in this Game sequel, but as one reviewer suggested, perhaps the sequel should be read first, then the game, and then several other books to learn more social skills and other perspectives. I like the way this guy thinks about it.

There appear to be several good books for learning tips about better dating available these days, but when it comes down to it, you gotta get out there and practice. Reading a thousand books on how to do pushups is not going to get you into any better shape, you need to do some, and practice anything you want to be good at.

1. Always have fun. Whether its hanging with your friends, throwing back shots, dancing, or just having a conversation, make sure you’re enjoying whatever you are doing.

2. Never just stand around scoping out the club for girls to talk or dance with. If they see you doing this you might as well go home. Night’s over. You have just been placed in the same category as nearly every other guy in the club and that is the “he’s just out searching for targets” label.

In their eyes you want to be the fun, cool guy who’s out having a great time enjoying himself, chilling with his friends, dancing, grabbing drinks by the bar - that guy!

NOT someone who looks bored and tired and generally in a bad mood - because girls just want to meet guys who are fun, social and can show them a great time dancing with them.

There are many more cool tips that I had not seen put into words before, I suggest checking out the free tips for men there.

The site offers the instructional DVDs that I have not see yet, although I am considering getting a copy to check out. If you can learn a few moves, even if not done well, you;ll be doing a thousand times better than all the wallflowers who never even approach the girls that want someone on the dance floor with them. If you are taking your girlfriend out on a date, even doing some half ass dance moves can make her happy, as long as you aren’t doing the chicken dance, so this DVD may have quite a bit of value in it.

If you have seen the moves in this DVD are they pretty current? I have some old hip hop dance videos from like a decade ago, and as to where I believe that learning all the different dances that you can is a good thing, because getting moving and some rhythm can help you pick up any new dance moves better, I would hate to spend $20 for a DVD that is teaching ancient moves, I’d rather find a used copy instead. So tell if you’ve seen this video and what you think about it.

Tequila will take another ‘Shot at Love’

Wed Jan 2, 6:09 PM ET

NEW YORK - “A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila” is apparently over for Bobby Banhart.
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The 25-year-old male film student selected last month by Tequila on her popular MTV reality dating show is no longer — or maybe never was — dating the 26-year-old bisexual Internet celebrity.

During MTV’s live New Year’s Eve programming, Tequila said that Banhart had broken up with her because of her hectic work schedule. “He couldn’t handle it,” she said. “He broke up with me.”

However, Banhart said in a Dec. 30 message posted on MySpace that “she never called me after the last show and no one would give me her number.”

The network announced Wednesday that a second season of “A Shot at Love” will air this spring and will once again feature Tequila looking for love, reality TV style, among a group of men and women.

“This time I wanna find love for real,” Tequila said during “Tila Tequila’s New Year’s Eve Masquerade 2008.”

Casting notices circulated online for a second season of “A Shot at Love” before the finale, the network’s most-watched broadcast since November 2005.

___

On the Net:

MTV:

http://www.mtv.com

My first thought was yeah right, this was most likely setup to be a failed relationship in the first place. I mean Tila was a star using her image for profit long before this show, and it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to realize that finding love and working for a successful happy relationship does not create a sequel, second season show to make more money for the girl, or MTV.

It may make for popular TV, but I feel sorry for the guy who got on there and won the chance at a relationship with her. Sure, he should know that going on a reality MTV to find a relationship is kind of like being invited to Jerry Springer to find good news, but I’m sure he was under the impression that there would at least be a chance for a relationship. Now it seems that he was just set up to take the fall from the beginning. Perhaps I am wrong, but that;’s me first impression with this story.

My advice first off is not to go on TV looking for love. Second bisexual women who are not even sure which sex they are more interested in will be tough to keep happy. Unless you are looking for a polygamous relationship or swinging lifestyle, keep away from the confused men and women who seem to have no preference. It can be a heartbreaking experience.

Not to say there is anything wrong with bisexual, homosexual, trisexual, or polyamorous relations whatsoever, I just think if you are trying to find a mate, it would be prudent for both people to have in mind what they are looking for in the first place. It is hard to get into a relationship when you know what you want and yet the other partner is completely oblivious as to what sex they are even interested more in. I suppose as long as you know what you are getting into it is not a bad thing to help someone find what they are looking for, as long as you are prepared to find out it may not be you, or your sex.

more on this thought tangent later…

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